Subject: Malapropisms
From: Hbrushed <Hbrushed@aol.com>
It seems to be the pattern here that when delurking one has to offer up an article of some sort. In the past I posted a few stories - some true, some from the land of imagination. So I thought I'd try something a little different for me....a wee bit of humor. How wee the bit of humor is will be determined by each of you individually. I hope that you like it!
My troubles as a girl came from my mother's frequent confusion. Remember how Gracie Allen always got things so mixed up? She almost drove poor George Burns batty with her crazy, mixed up logic. Though it was maddening for Burns as he would try to help her understand, the stakes were much higher for me.
Here are a few of mom's mix-ups that caused me to sleep on my tummy!
She was in a kitchen shop one day, and found one of those paddle shaped cutting boards. It had a bright label that read, "Hundreds of uses in the kitchen!"
"No, Mom! They mean hundreds of uses like cutting and chopping, mom, not hundreds of spankings!"
"No, Mom, please!! Not right here in the kitchen where everyone can see! Not with that paddle, mom, pleeease!!!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
She bought a book, 'Traditional Child Rearing,' but she only read the title!
"No, mom....'rearing' means raising, mom...it has nothing to do with my rear! Don't do this to me, mom, please?!?!!?"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
She was reading the Sunday paper, and found Dear Abby. The advice columnist said something like, "When your children misbehave, get to the bottom of it immediately!"
"Noooo! She meant to the bottom of the problem, mommy, not to the bottom of me! Please no..."
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
She was in the WalMart once, and saw a sign in the store that said, "Buy a Brand Spanking New Hairbrush Today!"
"No, Mom!! It said, 'brand spanking new hairbrush, not a brand new spanking hairbrush!'
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
Mom loved the outdoors, and was reading a book about canoeing. She was also reading a book about rearing daughters at the same time, and got the two confused. She found the following in the canoeing book, but thought it was in the child-rearing book, "To get it to follow a straight path, paddle vigorously from the rear."
"The canoe, mom...paddle the canoe vigorously from the rear, please mom, not me..."
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
<hmmm...does piloting a canoe from the back seat make one a stern paddler?>
The Ann Landers column once said something like, "Sometimes when your children misbehave you just have to grin and bear it."
"Bear it, mom....like in tolerate it mom, not bare it!! Two completely different things, mom! Please don't pull them down, please!"
"Awe, mom!!!!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
Mom was reading a booklet about keeping your kids off drugs, tobacco and alcohol. The pamphlet said, "Finding a warm butt in your daughter's bedroom is a sure sign that she smokes."
"No, mom, I don't smoke. I never have, and I don't want to!"
"Of course it is warm, mom! Daddy had to spank me an hour ago...it's gonna be warm for hours yet!"
"But, mom! They mean warm cigarette butts, not warm daughter butts!!"
"No, mommy, please.....daddy just did this, please not again!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
Mom was reading the newspaper one day, and found the following headline, "Scientific Discovery: The solution to your children's misbehavior might be in their genes"
"Mom...that said 'genes', you know...chromosomes, double helix' stuff like that, mom! My misbehavior isn't in my denim slacks! No, mom...don't pull them down, my trouble isn't back there, mommy..."
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
"But, mom...they really didn't mean for you to take down my jeans....<sniff, sniff>...."
"No mom! I'm not being a smarty-pants, really I'm not!'
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
"Yes, mom <sniff>, my bottom smarts and my panties smart, too...but you have it mixed up again, you call me Miss *smarty-pants*, not Miss "panties-smart!"
The PTA sent out a bulletin. It said, "Good parents take a hands-on approach to their children's education..."
"No, mom! They mean for you to go to meetings, raise money, look over my homework! Not this kinds of hands-on, mom, please!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
One day in "Hints from Heloise" she found, "If you have trouble with your daughter at bedtime, try warming her pajams. The comfort of soft, warm pajamas can help a girl get into bed and fall asleep."
"MOM!!! They meant in the dryer, mom...they want you to put pj's in the dryer to warm them, mom, not this way, mommy...please no! I promise to go to bed on time!!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
The package from the bakery said, "Be sure to remove outer and inner coverings before warming buns."
"Mommy, please...they meant before warming the dinner rolls, don't pull them down again mom, they meant the rolls!!!!"
"Awwe, mommy, not all bare again, please, no...."
She got the package out again, and read some more. "Warm buns slowly, but be sure to heat them the whole way through. Heating too fast can cause soft and pliable buns to turn tough and may cause burning."
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
"Owwe, mommy, please!! Get it over-with, these slow spanks are killing me to wait for them!!! Please stop, mom.....my bottom is burning up!!!"
She reads a little more, "...If buns appear to be burning, dab a little butter across the burn spots and continue heating a few more minutes."
"Ewww Yuck, mommy, stop that!! It feels so icky!! They mean rolls mom...burning *ROLLS!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
From a Sears ad, "Give your daughter a pair of hot pants - you know she needs them!"
"Hot pants are shorts mom, really short shorts! They want you to buy me shorts mom!! Please, mom, I'm not kidding you! I know that Sears doesn't want you to spank me, pleassse!!!!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
"Please, mom, go easy this time, please? You've been spanking me sooo hard lately that my bottom stays on fire forever!
"What? Where did you read that, mom?"
"No, mommy! 'Stop on Red' was in your driver's manual, not your child rearing book!!! It means *traffic lights*, mom...not spankings!!! You can stop spanking at pink, mom, really!! And I'll be just as well spanked, mom!! Pink is just as good as red, mom...please stop on pink! I promise I'll be a good girl, especially since we're here in the kitchen with that miserable kitchen paddle and you have already removed my outer and inner coverings to warm my buns!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
In the kitchen store again, "Use our wooden spoons - Guaranteed not to scratch even the most delicate bottoms, no matter how hard or how often you use them!"
"But they mean pan bottoms, mom! You know, teflon and silverstone and stuff, mom, not *my* delicate bottom, mom...pleaaase!!!"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"
"Yes ma'am, I'm sure <sniff> that you don't see any <sniff!> scratches back there, mom <sniff, sniff>, but they meant the pans, mom, they meant the pans!"
The newspaper article went like this, "The grunge look involves wearing baggy pants so low on the hips that the girls underwear, and sometimes even the top of her bottom, peeks out over the waist of her slacks. A local fashion consultant told us, "If your daughter's pants are in danger of falling down, give her a good belt."
"No!! Mommy, she meant to give me a belt...through the belt loops...to keep my pants on, mommy, she doesn't mean to use that thing on me!"
"Yes, ma'am they did come down easy...they're really baggy, mom, that's what happens! Now put that thing down, and let me pull them back up again, please?"
"Now quit squirming and trying to talk me out of this, young lady."
"Yow! Boo hoo!"