Subject: "The Gift of Tears" RL F/F spkg, cons, tears, caring,
feelings, no sex
From: "Rosy B. Goode" <RosyB.Goode@newsguy.com>
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 19:05:39 -0700
Warning: This true story is about adult spanking in a releasive caring context... and about finding out how love works... and how we help each other. If this type of story is not of interest to you, feel free to skip it.:-)
ROSY STORY: "The Gift of Tears" RL F/F spkg, cons, tears, caring, feelings, no sex
By Rosy B. Goode
Laura gave me, with some help from Idgy, a great gift at the recent Asswomen's party... the gift of tears while I was being spanked... the thaw of something in me that's been frozen for a long long time I think. There's a little part deep inside me that feels loved now that hasn't for so long... maybe forever. I felt, and still feel, newer, lighter, both relaxed and energized... and I feel so wrapped in love... so nestled and safe.
As some of you know from other posts, the desire to have this happen has grown a lot in me in recent months. In fact in recent weeks it's been an almost constant ache in my heart. I've been through a lot helping Laura through her surgeries and recoveries. It's been a good time, in many ways, but it's also been very stressful. I've needed to do quite a bit more crying than usual just to maintain a reasonably even keel, and I've cried after spankings here (when I could get them.. it's been sort of sporadic) more often than not, but still, it seemed like crying during a spanking would somehow be different.
Then besides the general release there's the childhood punishment/abuse thing. At no time ever when my mother was punishing me physically did any real feeling of love come through (though I knew she loved me at other times). Just rage and a feeling that her aim was to hurt me as much as she could without really damaging me (and that limit got pretty pushed the last year or so before her suicide) and humiliate me in as lasting a way as possible. Spanking (or later on the more violent abuse with fists) was never the end of punishment and a new clean slate, but the beginning of something else to bring up whenever ammunition to make us feel bad was needed. What would it be like, I wondered more and more, to be spanked with love while I was crying? To face and pass through the pain but feel loved and safe and homecoming in the face of it... not scared and humiliated and somehow not really belonging.....
I could feel it coming closer. After those first times I cried after a spanking when I was here with Laura last fall, I knew it would come and suspected it would happen with Laura, which eventually solidified into a real desire that she be the first to take me to that place. It seemed like a long wait sometimes. When she came to my house for Christmas, she proceeded to get sick first thing.:-S Though she did get better, and we did play some, it just didn't seem like the time for a scene of that intensity. Obviously when she was in Portland for SRS wasn't going to be the time or place... and then some, as it turned out. What with the first surgery, the emergency surgery a couple of days later, and then the breakdown of her gallbladder when we got back followed by surgery for that, most of the weeks here have not exactly been playtime for Laura and Rosy.....
[Hey, that's not a complaint. There's nowhere in the world I would rather have been during any of it than by Laura's side.]
Idgy and Debbie Ann and Idgy and Searcher and <g> Idgy were gracious enough to keep me from feeling totally unspanked, when they could get over here. It helped me more than I can say... they all have lovely laps, warm <g> hands, and loving hearts, and the grace of tears afterwards happened often... but it wasn't Laura. I knew it would be a very loaded edge for me, and having gone over other emotionally loaded edges with Laura in the past, that's who I wanted to go over this one the first time with. I was with her so constantly and yet, in some ways, missed her so much. There were a few times at least that this didn't make things in general here easier for either of us. It wasn't until the Asswomen's party last weekend that she really felt up to topping me and going for it if we could.
I wasn't totally sure if I'd be able to go that deep in a group setting, but also didn't want to pass on my first chance in literally months to fill that longing in my heart. She flogged me a bit first, with a couple of floggers (not really heavy ones) (one at a <g> time) which was heavenly... Laura is very tasteful with a flogger, and we hadn't played with one since she was at my place last September. At that point in the party, although we had all trouped down to the the cozy little dungeon (this one really is!) to play, Laura and I were the first ones to <g> take action. Part of me didn't really mind being the focus of attention. It's not a particular button of mine in terms of sex/spanking, but I've performed in stuff like music and drama most of my life and don't really get stage fright anymore, so to speak, and I don't have much body shyness, especially with women. And I'm sure watching Laura, in her foxy red silk blouse and black jeans, wielding that black deerskin flogger with her usual grace and precision was a sweet sight to behold!;-)
She had pulled up my shirt, tucked up my skirt (yes, the infamous pink ruffled one.. now several actual citzens of this community have seen it in person!;-), and taken down my panties for the flogging, and had me kneel, leaning on a spanking bench for support. It was lovely... mostly a wonderful thuddy but not heavy massage-y feeling, though she managed to put a bit of sting to it when it came to my butt!;-) Upswings seem harder for people to master with a flogger than overhand ones, but Laura's pretty darn good at it, to the great delight of my bottom.:-) By the time I was all loose and warm and glowing from the flogging, another pair or two of us had formed up and started to play so I no longer was dealing with being such a single focus of attention in the room, and there wasn't as much talking going on, which made it easier to relax and let myself go deeper... and I could feel nothing but goodness and gentle encouragement from any of the women present.
She had me get up and pulled up my panties and let my skirt drop back down (so she could have the pleasure of getting them out of the way again she said!;-) and sat down on the bench and took me over her lap. It felt so good to be there... so good to have her strong enough (more ways than one, it's been rough here folks) to feel up to having me there. I just about broke down in tears then and there it felt so good to be back... to have her back. I managed not to though... crying before the spanking had even really started wasn't exactly what I had in mind!;-)
She spanked me a lot with her wonderful hand. Laura does such delicious handspanking.:-) She spanked me for quite awhile with one thing and another, giving me a world class warmup before proceeding deeper. I know some people say they can cry easier without a warmup, but to me it felt like that would be an essential part of my really feeling wrapped around with love, and Laura does a lovely warm up. Never rushing, but gradually bringing up the intensity... gradually working down to bare..... While mostly caught in my own journey deeper into bottomspace, I was aware enough to look up in the mirror at one end of the room (in which I could see <g> Laura's hand descending) now and then and see the <g> relevant part of the view of another sweet spanking going on at the other end of the room and another cute one right across the room. It did make it feel even more ok to let go with other people playing too.
My butt took a lot. I hadn't been spanked by anyone for a good week and a half at that point, and I'd really missed it. It felt so wonderful to get warmer and warmer... to feel that blessed sting taking me deeper and deeper... and higher and higher. Some say S/M is on the dark side, but it takes me to a place so full of light.... After quite a while, Laura told me she was going to give me 10 very hard ones (I think it was with the cherry paddle and I think she had me count them). They were very hard indeed... they filled my senses and then filled my eyes. I think it was on 8 that I started to let it go... let those tears come sliding out and into the light. After the ten I kept crying, and Laura switched to her hand and continued spanking... a little slower... firmly but not too hard... feeling her way as I was mine... stroking my back and head with her other hand... murmuring little soothings and encouragements......
After a little while (my face was buried in my hair and my eyes closed at that point) I felt a loving little hand holding tissues slip into mine and I grabbed on. I knew it was Idgy... I know her hands and I know the feel of her love. Idgy sat there near my head and just let me hold on... held on right back. The tears were coming harder and faster and I wanted more.. I wanted to go even deeper. I managed to ask Laura if she would please spank me very hard. Really make it sting but without ever stopping the love. Merge the pain and the caring into one total flow and carry me along in it. Laura delivered. As she has done so many times in so many different ways for me.
That old Mamas and Papas song had that line, "If you love her then you must send her, somewhere where she's never been before." Well, Laura has done it again. Not only taken me somewhere I've never been before, but also gone deep in with me to find a little part of me way down inside that hadn't felt loved in a long time... maybe even never. She went down to it with me and helped me to bring it up into the light... into the love. I have no idea how long it went on... Laura paddling me with glorious firm love... telling me what a good girl I was to let go... Idgy giving me the sweet anchor of her hand so I never had to be afraid of losing myself in that place... me sobbing out my pain while feeling so incredibly safe and cared for. Sometimes a bit of eternity comes down and touches our lives and time becomes a different thing... a place we enter into instead of just a line we travel down. This was one of those times.
At some point time started turning back into a line. At some point my sobbing started to smooth out... I think my wiggling and kicking (non-obstructive) started to smooth out too. At some point I think Laura switched back to her hand. My tears fell like rain for awhile as Laura and Idgy both sweet-talked me. (Idgy's comfort voice is one of the sweetest sounds in the known universe.) Somewhere in there the spanking switched to rubbing and cuddling. I felt so clean, so new, so much lighter... so enfolded in a soft angel blanket of loving. Enough of me surfaced to start really making use of the tissues Idgy had so kindly brought over and blow my nose (which is sort of a grounding thing in a sort of funny kind of way).
They brought me back so surely and so gently, these two special women... these two angels... one of deliverance, one of mercy... these two sisters of the heart. And as I had been taken to a place I'd never been before I came back to a new place too... a place deep inside that had been frozen so long had finally found its spring... a dim place risen to clarity and light. My gratitude is profound.
And talk about an <g> endorphin rush! Whew! Zowie! It was amazing! The killer headache I'd awakened with that morning and slowly battled down all day was all gone and I felt so much incredible energy. There was still some party time left, and I always feel it would be a real shame for any of the women to leave one of these parties feeling unspanked. I managed to top two of Assville's lovelies before the night was through, though those stories are theirs to tell if they wish. It was sweet though. Both of them with nice round <g> reactive bottoms... lovely wiggles, kicks, and squeals. It was a wonderful evening, and I'm grateful to everyone who came and added their energy to make a fun and safe space for us all. And I'm sure we all thank Laura for all her work in organizing this event when she wasn't in the greatest shape herself. I hope there will be another someday. Meanwhile I'll carry many fond memories of this one.
I'm also grateful to LP, who always stands by me no matter how much physical distance separates us. For his steadfast love, sublime fun, and deep understanding. And most especially for his understanding and support of the fact that there are certain places I need to go that only another woman can get me to. Indeed I am blessed, and I try never to take it for granted.