Date: Sun, 02 Jun 1996 22:05:59 -0700
From: (Laura Werner)
Subject: Post-spanking letdowns

Last night I had an annoying experience. For the third time in a row, I got really down after a spanking. Last night it happened in the car on the way home. That happened once before too. Other times it happens about a day later. Or both.

The spanking that I got last night was pretty nice in itself. The top was someone I really like and trust (hi!) and I was definitely enjoying it. However, we started really late, and we had to stop fairly suddenly because the party was ending. But even if that hadn't happened, I think I still would have felt kind of depressed afterwards.

Up until that spanking, I hadn't had a great time at the party. I got to see a few friends of mine doing nice scenes, but I didn't have anyone to bottom to. An acquaintance who I'd played with before was supposed to be there, but she didn't show up. There weren't really any other non-paired-off women there who were interested in playing, and the even the guy I chatted with was another bottom. I was feeling very lonely, awkward, unwanted, and generally depressed. I even thought about just going home.

Anyway, I wasn't in a great mood before I got spanked, but I enjoyed it anyway. If anything, it helped cheer me up. As soon as we stopped and got kicked out, however, the loneliness kicked right in again. The spanking was nice, but the abrubt switch back to the real world hurt. I think it's the kind of like what Andy wrote about in his "Separation" post recently. I get a real sense of loss. Bottoming can be so intense, rewarding, and emotional. But then I have to go back to the rest of my life, where I'm lonely, I don't have a girlfriend or regular play partner, and am in the middle of dealing with some huge self-identity issues. It really hurts sometimes.

I keep telling myself that I'll eventually find the partner and the relationship that I want in my life. I'm even healthy enough now that I actually believe it will happen some day. But it's so hard sometimes.

I'm not sure why I bothered writing any of this. I'm not really looking for advice, but maybe some of you will relate to what I've poured out here. I guess I just wanted to let some of these feelings out into the open and try to deal with them. The "out in the open" part worked, I suppose, because I'm all teary eyed. Crying during a spanking can be nice, but it kinda sucks the rest of the time. :-(

Anyway, I should go do something to get my mind off of all this...