Date: Fri, 17 May 1996 18:01:24 -0700
From: (Laura Werner)
Subject: My First Crying

[Well, not really the first of course, but the first during a spanking. I'm stuck in a rut as far as the titles of my posts.]

Wednesday night, for the first time, I cried during a spanking. It wasn't everything I've fantasized about, but it was a nice start. Nice enough that I wanted to write about it.

I went to a play party on Wednesday night, and I was pleasantly surprised to run into a woman who I'd met and chatted with a few days earlier. Call her Jill. She seemed happy and even glad to see me again, so I got up my courage and asked if she'd like to spank me. At the time, she was about to start a scene with someone else, but we agreed to get together later in the evening.

In the meantime, I got topped by a friend who I had talked to earlier. She flogged, paddled, and lightly caned me, and tried out a tawse sort of thing I had bought last month. It was fun, but not too different from other things I've written about before. (Ho hum. Just a caning. :-)

An hour or so later, I ran into Jill again and we agreed to play. On the way I grabbed my toybag, and I discovered that my nice deerskin flogger had disappeared. After frantically searching for it for a half hour or so, helped by the woman who had topped me earlier, I couldn't find it. Someone must have swiped it out of my bag when I wasn't looking, I guess. At that point, I was fairly upset and on the verge of crying. Aside from being expensive, it was my first really nice toy, and I was kind of emotionally attached to it, I guess.

By then, it was late, and Jill was talking about needing to leave at some point. She still seemed to want to play, but also seemed genuinely concerned that I might not be in a good emotional space for it. I was worried too, but decided to try anyway, even knowing that I might fall apart during the spanking. For some reason I just felt like I could really trust her if that happened. I'm not entirely sure why, because I hardly knew her. In hindsight, some of the trust might have come from the fact that Jill reminds me a lot of a very close friend of mine. Whatever the reason, the trust wasn't misplaced.

She had me bend over a table, put her hand on my back, and started spanking away with her other hand. After a few minutes it started to hurt a fair bit, and I sort of willed myself to let go and cry. A few tears started coming then. A bit later, when she was hitting even harder, I actually started to sob a bit, and that continued off and on for the rest of the spanking. The whole thing must have lasted 15 or 20 minutes. I don't really remember all the details of what she did, but it was a nice, long, hard bare-handed spanking with occasional variety like caressing, scratching, and so on.

Emotionally, it was a strange and powerful experience. The spanking (and the crying) were very cathartic, and it took me a good ten minutes or so to "come down" far enough to be very coherent. Afterward, I felt good: the emotional release had helped, and I had a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling from all of that intimacy.

But on the way home in the car I almost started crying again. I was feeling quite a bit of an after-scene letdown, I think. The closeness, trust, and warmth during the spanking had been incredible at the time, but now I was already missing them. I guess it was enough of a taste of what I want more of in my life that it helped remind me that I don't have it all yet, and that there's this big empty void there sometimes.

Anyway, I'm in a better mood now, and I felt like sharing all of this. Let me know if any of it resonates with the way you feel about our favorite subject.

Also, I'd appreciate feedback from anyone else who goes to this sort of party. When I write about what happened to me at a party, I worry a little bit about violating the confidentiality of the other people who were there. I think I've been careful to write about what happens with me and not to reveal anything about other people, but I could use some advice on this.