Date: Mon, 29 Jul 1996 23:39:55 -0700
From: (Laura Werner)
Subject: On becoming a top
In article <4tj3tv$>, wrote:
> This is my experience as well, though I will also admit to being turned on
> by the sights and sounds of a feminine bare bottom turning red and hot


This is going to be another of my long, rambling, non-erotic posts, so beware.

My earlier post and David's reply, plus the fact that I'm an emotional wreck lately, have gotten me thinking more about topping. I think that part of the reason I'm a bit of a mess is that I haven't had a really satisfying scene as a bottom for at least a month. The last time I played at all was 3+ weeks ago (at the Dark Knights party, for anyone who was there). That night I did one scene from the bottom and then one from the top.

That last scene made me remember that I really do enjoy topping sometimes. The two s/m scenes I'd done as a top before that were fun, but not incredibly satisfying emotionally. This one was different, and I still remember it fondly, but now I'm wondering why I enjoyed it.

I think one reason is that it was almost purely a spanking scene, unlike a lot of the other things I've written about here. The other two scenes I'd done as a top were floggings, and about half of the scenes I've done as a bottom were that way too, with maybe some paddling and caning but not much spanking. The other stuff is fun, but spanking and other traditional CP definitely has more of a charge for me.

Another thing I liked is that the scene was a big confidence booster for me. The woman I spanked (call her Gail) has been in the scene here for quite a while, and I knew that she'd played with a number of well-known tops who I really respect. I'd even seen two of those scenes. I guess I wasn't sure I would measure up or something. But when we started playing, a lot of that anxiety went away. Gail has very expressive body (and butt :-) language when she's being spanked, and I could tell she was really enjoying herself. When she confirmed that verbally after the scene, and again when we've run into each other the last two weekends, I felt a real ego boost.

The fact that Gail so obviously enjoyed herself also really turned me on. As David said in the post I quoted above, turning a woman's bare bottom bright red can be very erotic. I don't completely know why, but it really makes me hot. Some of it is the feeling of power and control, I think. The sadistic aspect is also part of it for me. I really enjoyed pushing Gail's limits and making her bottom hurt, because I knew she was enjoying it so much. I was giving her some nice, hard swats with an oval-shaped leather paddle (my favorite spanking toy), and those were a lot of fun. Even better were the full-strength, two-handed swats I gave her, one hand on each cheek. She was lying flat (a bad back) and I was standing, so I could plant my feet, raise my hands up over my head, and really swing away. That was fun. To steal a line, Gail claims she's not really a masochist, but I think she does a good impersonation. :-)

After that sermon on the joys of topping, I still have some doubts, though. At the last Janus orientation I introduced myself by saying that two months ago I thought I was a masochistic bottom, but that I'm now turning into a bit of a sadistic top as well. But now I'm not so sure about that. I'm don't know what I'll say at the orientation this Saturday. Maybe I'll steal Janet's line (and reverse it) and say I'm a bottom who tops.

I've really missed getting a good spanking lately (and no, I'm not soliciting one here, so don't bother, guys :-), and I think that's one of the reasons I've turned to topping a bit. Bottoming is still more satisfying for me. A lot more satisfying when it's a very intense, emotional, cathartic scene. That's the sort of scene I haven't really had much of lately, and I miss it. I think I've actually gotten a bit dependent on that occasional emotional release as a way of working out some of my inner demons. (Oh no! Dependency! Addiction! :-) In some ways, it really can be just as cathartic as a good cry on my therapist's couch or in a friend's arms. Luckily, my most regular play partner is now back in town, and we're planning to do a fairly intense scene this weekend.

I'll post something on how it goes. In the meantime, it's back to messing with my web site and making more whips. I'm up to four leather and two nylon floggers so far, and now I'm working on a braided cat. Last weekend I spent $150 on leather and tools, which should keep me busy for quite a while. I may have to start selling some of my creations, just to help pay for this new hobby. So far I've kept most of them and given one away. I'm a real toy slut, but seven floggers are starting to make my toy bag a bit heavy. :-)